Melissa Ramos posted on Instagram yesterday with the quote “count your organisms not your calories “.
I instantly loved it. As a holistic nutritionist who doesn’t count calories and LIVES for finding bliss in life (including stellar orgasms) this quote resonated with me big time.
Especially because last night I had a full 2 hour long orgasm on the dance floor at Coda, Toronto’s hottest club for all things techno and house.
I write often about my views on addiction, why addiction happens, how to find recovery and then live a life filled with fulfillment and joy, though sober and without the crutches that once led us down a path that ultimately used to hurt us vs fill our cups.
There was once a time when I could only dance like I did last night, and experience that level of ecstasy while on ecsacty (or any myriad of party drugs).
I remember my old crew and I would often ask ourselves if we thought we could experience that feeling of euphoria in life but without drugs. At the time I couldn’t imagine it. I felt it was possible because I knew my body was capable of feeling those feelings, though I had no idea how to bliss the f*ck out without the use of chemicals.
Until this year.
Something happened when I broke up with my ex in April. There’s a certain attitude that I, for lack of a better term, ‘downloaded’.
Let’s call it the “I don’t give a f*ck” attitude.
Walk with me here...
In the past, my social anxiety would stunt me from entering any social situation with confidence. I would need alcohol or drugs to relax, converse, dance, share my opinion or just simply be who I was without apology.
It was literally torture (any other socially anxious peeps out there?)
I was stuck in a pattern that fueled my insecurities and poor health.
Insecurities and social anxiety/fear of judgement, led to poor gut health then led to more social anxiety due to neurotransmitter imbalances.
Then my break up happened. I couldn’t help it but I was incredibly angry (and rightfully so, he did inexcusable things while we exited our relationship).
That anger led to a fierce self-protection which for me, looked like this:
I’m gonna dance as hard, as wild, as unapologetically as I want to, wherever I want to, because it neutralizes the pain. It clears the frustration, resent and fury.
Dancing became my medication and meditation. Not giving a f*ck what others thought of my newfound freedom is what led to bliss and MORE FREEDOM!
As I moved my body I felt my nervous system wanting to move the way I thought others would find acceptable. A little shuffle from left to right..nothing too dramatic or different. She wanted me to play it safe. Subconsciously, 'playing it safe' meant acceptance (but did it?).
Until I challenged her.
I broke that neuropathway. I moved a little different...then a lot more different. I swayed, stomped, fist pumped, jacked, bounced, jumped and grinned it the f*ck out...little by little, my inner queen was rising.
She felt the freedom build. The authenticity, the connection to self...the euphoria was in me.
I was free from party drugs and alcohol, watching myself like an observer. I could see and feel my strength build. My kundalini build. I was amplified and before I knew it I was buzzing with what was once thought to be an impossible feeling of pure bliss and pleasure wash over me - though, this time, naturally.
I did it. I achieved the *almost* exact same sensation that I used to when on drugs, but this time, because I stopped giving a fuck what others thought of me, and showed up in those moments from a place so deep in my soul it felt like I had just found the something SO precious it was almost unbelievable.
This experience grew as the months passed by this summer. My day-party hunting, dance-addicted self literally dated myself. I’d go to every event solo, with zero fear as to whether I looked weird, looked lonely, like a loser or judged in any way.
On a aside note, also, my tolerance for unsolicited advice, negativity being projected on me or disrespect of any kind was at an all-time low.
My inner queen woke.
Last night I danced from a place so deep in my soul I felt like anyone who may have been watching me saw my true self. It was a sexual experience (any other house heads ‘nah mean?) ... I equated the different stages of Miss Honey Dijon’s set, and sound, to be like the heated flashbacks of an intense love making session.
I was free. Pulled in and out of softness, darkness, depth, playfulness, celebration, laughter, disbelief of the insane pleasure I was experiencing - all while breathing, moving the energy like I’ve been taught in Tantra and transmuting my fear-free state into pure bliss and a 2 hour long orgasm.
See the role that not giving a fuck can play in leading you to experiencing a level of satisfaction and ecstasy that may otherwise stay lying dormant?
Listen, I know it’s not easy to let go of the fear of judgement. I have hand tattoos, face piercings, I swear often, talk about personal, vulnerable and intimate things, publicly, that would have once left me with a terrible vulnerability hangover.
I do nude photo shoots, dress how I want to, write how I want to, date how I want to. Some would say I welcome crisiticsm and judgement into my life but the truth is that would happen either way...at least now I’m not being judged for being someone I feel forced to be..I’m being judged (by those who don’t matter to me, really) for being my awesome self and actually LIVING this damn life the way I want to.
You know what’s happened when I started not giving a fuck and acting from this place?
My health improved exponentially
My business exploded
My creativity came back
My sense of empowerment and conviction of a stellar fucking future is ironclad
My inner queen, woke
I write about my life, my experiences and my views on healing, mental wellness and life because I know it’s my purpose in life to help break stigmas around these topics, show others that no matter how ill, stuck, broken or afraid you might be in this chapter of your life, you CAN, and will, rise.
Last night I had a 2 hour orgasm on the dance floor of one of the world’s sickest clubs to one of the world’s dopest DJ’s, without party drugs and alcohol, without social anxiety and without hurting myself and all by simply not giving a f*ck and inviting my true self to come out and play.
We have one life. Don’t waste it living someone else’s version of what it should be like. Do you, over and over, always.
Be well with hope
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