I first started noticing it was happening when I moved into my new place last October. Moving into my own place played a major part in calming the fxck down after a traumatic twist in life events last April. Root chakra shit.
Usually, I would listen to hard techno all day but especially at night before bed. If you were following me on Insta you would have read allllll about my nighttime dance parties in my bathroom (better acoustics).
Tech house made me move in a way nothing else could. It made me feel at home. It was like the vibration of the music was telling my story. Not the words, the vibration.
It was intense, hard, rough, and it oozed "do not fuck with this". It felt like armour to me. It felt like it understood me and it brought out a fierce part in me that I knew was there I just couldn't unleash her on my own before around spring last year.
Y'all know why. I was angry because of my breakup. The anger felt like power.
Anger from years of choosing bad relationships, friendships, years of drug and alcohol abuse, being abandoned by my mom, being surrounded by addicts my whole life...the breakup was the straw. It broke me.
Music saved my life. It was like breathing to me. If I wasn't with a client I was listening to techno. I'd fall asleep with earbuds in listening to sets I just found on Soundcloud.
Billy Kenny was my lullaby.
And when I woke up at 4:45 am every day due to HPA-axis dysfunction I had my routine.
I'd toss my hair in a bun, throw on a killer set, make some coffee (wasn't a smart idea but did it anyway), and cycled off to the gym to throw heavy weights around and bang out way-too-intense workouts for what my nervous system was going through.
I was intense. I was angry. I was overwhelmed and scared and bitter and I didn't know how to stop any of it.
So, I just went with it.
For months I used sweet dirty techno as a pacifier. I danced as I had always wanted to dance but never could because I suffered from such terrible social anxiety I would just 2-step and sway, paranoid, thinking EVERYONE was watching and critiquing my dance moves.
No one was watching. And if they were, seriously, Cassandra... Who the f-ck cares?
This time though...now...I felt like the real Cassandra was out to play when I'd go to festivals and rock out in my nighttime bathroom parties.
I danced intuitively. It came from my soul. There was no conscious thought, only flow. It felt like a drug. It was a drug. I got high from the feelings of conviction, power and owning myself. I owned myself. For once in my life, I felt sovereign. Like a Queen.
I loved this version of myself. I was proud of her. I admired her. She was strong, unapologetic, sexy, autonomous (a gift for someone who always felt she needed someone else's strength to be ok), and super not ashamed to say she had great taste in underground tech house.
When things started to calm down and I began to heal, my cravings for that music started to lose its intensity. Things got quieter. I welcomed the decrease in anxiety but began to be afraid of what I was also losing...that fierce, unapologetic, sexy and sovereign chick.
I would look for her. try to coax her to come out. I could feel her fading and it was the most uncomfortable feeling. As much as I knew she was tied to a lot of frenetic energy, I love/loved her. I didn't want to see her go.
She's not here right now. I miss her. And I know that by her being gone that means I'm healing. My vibration is changing. Like attracts like and we look to connect with the vibrations around us that feel like home.
Industrial and hard techno is dark. Intense. And as beautiful and familiar as it is to me, it's angry and frenetic.
Food, people, music, travel, all of it we choose based on what feels good. Our vibration determines that. It's less to do with woo woo shit and more to do with science.
Atoms are attracted to other atoms that vibrate at the same, or similar frequency.
So now I'm questioning why am I resisting the calmer, quieter Cassandra?
Things come up like:
- She's boring
- Not as powerful
- Not as sexy
- She lacks clarity and conviction
The list goes on...
Though my conscious self is reminding me that none of that is true unless I give it power. None of it is true unless I believe it to be.
There are reasons why I'm not 100% in my power right now. I'm 6 months into an almost year-long antimicrobial and brain healing protocol to clear infections I've had for decades and to unravel the damage I did as an addict for decades, too.
One of the side effects is emotional inflammation as that's genetically how I present when I Herx. Also, hormone byproducts accumulate when the liver is sluggish due to dealing with clearing so many toxins and biotoxins.
I'm also working closely with a healer to let go of a lot of shit that's made me stagnant in my growth as a spiritual being and healer. Working closely with an MSW who specializes in PTSD and addiction. I've let go of difficult yet longstanding relationships and am basically detoxing on a mental, spiritual and physical plane all at the same time.
My vibration is most definitely changing.
The last thing I need is to be judging myself based on the music I'm listening to...yet, I am.
Change is fucking scary. Growth is also mega scary. It means our brains have to let go of what it knows as familiar. That goes against everything we've been instructed on from our DNA.
Our brains silently tell us: Stick to what you know. Patterns you have that don't result in death mean you're alive. That's safe. You can count on that. New patterns could result in death.
At least that's what our reptilian brains tell us.
Fortunate for us we have a conscious mind as well...we can tap into the ability to override that fear-based system and choose new patterns that we believe to be a road to a healthier, happier existence.
It means also learning to manage the fears that come up. Then practicing. Day after day, week after week, until we've grooved new neural pathways and feel safer in that pattern.
Shit. My vibe is changing. I'm changing.
I'm scared but I'm good, you know? I'm never, ever giving up and although people think I'm hard on myself and many don't see or understand the reasons and seriousness as to why I am literally opening myself up and performing open EVERYTHING surgery on my mind, body and soul - I don't think I'm being too hard on myself. And I do understand the reasons why I'm doing such deep work.
1. I'm ending the patterns of generations of addiction and mental health issues. It's in my DNA. I'm literally rewiring my cells and brain.
2. I have had the drive to help others heal since I was a little girl. I know that by doing this work now I will be able to help more people and in a more effective way.
3. I'm going to improve my experience in life. My ability to eat more foods have a period without wanting to off myself and sleep without drugging myself every night.
4. I will run a better business, have richer relationships, and be closer to my family.
The list goes on...
I write about my own personal story because I believe people need to hear the honest truth of what it takes to heal. What it takes to be brave, look under the rocks that block your path in life. Do the work and know that every little thing is gonna be alright.
We're all human beings. We all grow up with pain, adversity, challenges in health, relationships, business, family...and we can either keep doing the same shit that will lead to the same shit or we can take a beat, or 1000, and slow down to do the work and truly change.
We must let go of the shame associated with adversity and illness. No one is immune to it. We can learn from our challenges - why is no one explaining that to young people anymore? Our elders are no longer in a position to teach us their wisdom. We must actively look to acquire that knowledge on our own.
We can do that.
As I sit here with my headphones in, writing this blog, I have no music playing. My vibe is changing. It's craving soul, chill, calm.
I'm learning to settle into this new skin. To love her. Let her know there's space for her here. I want to see who she might show up as in this new chapter. Let her run free and be the woman she's craving to be.
Though imma still hit up Maceo on the weekend. No matter how tenacious a girl is to heal she can't pass up a live set by her all-time fave tech DJ...now that would just be silly.
Be well with hope
Cassandra Hope RHN, NLP + CPT
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