It's Sunday. I'm drinking an organic fennel and peppermint tea in my living room while cuddled up under my blanket, post-bath infused with essential oils, epsom salts and dried flowers.
I'm in need of self-care.
As I drew my bath, thoughts floated around ... thoughts about my journey, where I am now and the question "Why the fuck is this happening to me?".
I felt the tears come up and I opened up to allow them to flow. My tears streamed from a place deep within and landed perfectly in my hot, decadent bath - instantly absorbed as if they never existed.
I couldn't help but catch myself. I asked "Is this a Herx, is this cortisol releasing, are you making it worse by creating the space to feel this right now?
Is. This. Necessary?
I ask myself this question every single time I feel defeated, broken or overwhelmed by sadness or grief. I've trained my brain to remember my past coaches voices.
"It's ok to feel it, just don't live there".
"You know the problem well, but how often do you think of the solution?"
I've been felling a lot lately - it's good! But also, how often should I be feeling the pain and how often should I be shifting into empowerment, looking ahead and taking action?
With all my training jammed up in there I try to rummage through all the data. How impactful is this current emotion on my nervous system rn?
Is it cathartic and useful or is it negatively impacting my healing and growth because I'm 'living here' too much?
Is this emotion healthy?
I can be a ruminator - an obsessor. Because of the abuse I experienced early on my reptilian brain is sharp. She can assess the energy in a room in seconds, sense negative energy and get a good or bad feeling about someone within moments of first meeting them.
Though, she can also run wild if left untamed. Her natural tendency is to look for the negative. The potential risk. Her role is to keep me alive and as evolutionary psychology would have it, mindfulness and personal development has allowed me to learn how to override the system and lovingly invite her back into a headspace that is strong, empowered, calm and clear.
My constant commitment is to assess when is it time to feel this emotion and when is it time to shake it off, focus and forge ahead.
I'm not going to get to into it cause I'm not ready to but I'm working through a chronic issue that dates back to as long as I can remember. It's deep shit. Root chakra shit - It's time to address it and it's hard. Really hard.
So as I move through this new phase of healing and growth and as the tears keep coming and continuous self-evaluating unfolds I share with you how I decide when to feel it and when to set it aside, remember (or make) the plan, look ahead and get into action.
When To Feel It
When I find myself in any of those situations I look for the calm. I look for the quiet. I go within and I let it come up...all of it.
It's usually a cry. Deep from my heart and innards. I can feel it lift the energetic cloak and I feel lighter. It's cathartic.
Did you know you can only eliminate cortisol 3 ways? Urinating, sweating and crying. I do the first 2 everyday and the last, well, lately, often as well.
When To Look Ahead
We have our reptilian brain. That which is designed to keep us alive, predict and assess threat and react. Then we have our evolved mind...the conscious mind. That which is able to override the reptilian brain and make decisions from a more mindful and often more logical place.
Both play a role in a healthy existence. Though for those who wish to continue to evolve, grow and have the absolute best experience they can have, I find training the brain to look for the positive - look for the opportunity, what is right, what power do we have ... when we focus there, change happens.
But when we need to be present and f e e l the pain. Feel the loss, the grief, the difficulty - when we do this at the times that feel right for us to, we create healthy and fertile soil for that change that's coming our way to land in a more balanced and positive place.
I used to think I had to feel all the pain all the time in order to allow myself to heal. This isn't true for me anymore. As a woman who is working through the after-effects of C-PTSD as gracefully as she possibly can, knowing when to allow the fire to roar and when to turn the hoses on can be the difference between keeping gut health issues at bay and re-traumatising my nervous system vs preserving peace and calm.
Feeling it all isn't always the most useful thing we can do for our healing.
Evolution. Refinement. Self-Love. Growth. Being Human. Being Spiritual.
It's a lot of responsibility but the result is a life rooted in integrity, stability with our intimate selves and freedom from patterns that ultimately don't serve us.
I hope that if you're reading this and are going through a tough time that you decide to not live there...that you may find the space to acknowledge the problem, feel the pain, create a plan and get empowered.
That you may heal.
Be well with hope,
Cassandra Hope RHN, NLP + CPT
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