"You complete me" was made famous in that movie with Tom Cruise, what was it again? You know the one, not important, moving on.
Hearing that sentence and watching that scene as a kid/teen made my heart swell.
"OMGGGGGG I so want someone to love me that way" is what my head and heart swooned as I'm sure millions of other women's did as well.
I feel like a lot of us are searching for that feeling. Something external that will help us feel more valuable, more safe and seen.
We’re all looking for that thing or several things that will help us to feel more “us“.
We’re looking for the perfect diet, the perfect outfit, the perfect job, the perfect car, the perfect spouse, we all want things that will help us to express our perceived self-worth, our mindset, how successful we are and to let others know what our personalities are like.
We’re constantly communicating information to others by the way that we choose in our daily life. What are we trying to express exactly? That we are worthy? That we have figured it out, that we have it all?
What does the perfect body, the amazing car, the huge following on social media, the hot and loving spouse, what do all of these things mean?
I’m asking, truly.
My humble position is that it means different things to everybody.
For me, personally, I've let go of a lot of my attachments to external sources of comfort in order to face some major demons and learn to fill my cup while trying not to use something else's resources to do so.
So, what if we were to spend as much time developing our comfort with being alone and feeling loved, secure and stable without the crutches of perceived societal successes like the perfect marriage, job, body, the perfect car etc?
Think about it. What could happen when operating from that place?
I'm learning what that looks like and tbh, it feels incredibly scary and incredibly freeing at the same time.
It’s funny because I’ve been documenting my mental process after a traumatic break up and the events that followed and I look back on all of my mindsets and posts, and after being in therapy with someone who specializes in PTSD and addiction and I can see how my defensive and antagonistic approach to single life in 2018 completely stemmed from a place of fear of being hurt again and a deep need to protect myself.
Through this process I’m observing society, and myself, and have realized that a lot of us create expectations as well as box out options because of a deep need to quench the fire that is insecurities, fear of being alone and anxiety.
Part of the work that I’m doing in my recovery is to learn to re-pattern my neural pathways when I notice that they are gravitating toward latching onto external comforts or belief systems that don’t serve me because I’m trying to numb anxiety and insecurities.
This work takes tenacity and a fierce commitment to the person I know I can be when I'm done retraining my brain
Part of healing from PTSD, addiction, anxiety and depression is to rewire the limbic system. When we break down the process from the initial thought to the way that it manifests in our bodies and the choices we make in our lives, we may start to see patterns that are rooted in fear, are unconscious efforts to protect ourselves from what our limbic system may recognize as a threat and ultimately represent that we’re not truly OK with ourselves.
There’s a lot going into a situation where a human being is looking for external comforts to numb anxiety and fear. There’s addictions, modelling our parents' behaviours, an unwillingness to create boundaries and then there's primal thinking, deeply patterned in our DNA which causes us to want safety and security from another human.
"Primal" meaning it has served a purpose in our survival for thousands of years. But we’re in an interesting place in evolution where our generation is one of the first to change the way we're evolving as human beings.
What if it means that we have to do the work to break down our mindset on a conscious level and learn how to operate day to day from a place of positivity, self-love, security, conviction and inner peace before we can ever expect to experience that from a pure place while bringing in external comforts into our environment?
Sorry, is this getting too "wordy"? Holy shit, writing about the deep and dark corners of existence and consciousness and mental health is nuts.
Are you still with me?
I've been practising retraining the way my brain works for about 2 weeks now by using neural plasticity. It means about 20 - 50 x per day rehearsing a script, mentally, that diffuses the anxiety and compulsiveness and invites your neural pathways into a more calm, stable, tranquil and safe place where you step into and imagine actually being that way.
The same way that our brains can become incredibly fear based, anxious and
primitive we can also coax it to be the opposite; more conscious, intentional and balanced.
It's not easy. As mentioned, it takes tenacity and having faith that we can do this. And that it's possible to be the woman who is grounded, solid, fierce, powerful and at peace.
This can be hard when you've experienced deep pain, loss and your self-esteem is in the gutter. But that's no reason to give up.
My wonderful healer reminds me regularly of this:
God's greatest warriors experience the most powerful challenges.
So, what challenges are you or have you been facing? And do you see those challenges as happening to you and are out of your control, or do you see them as learning opportunities in order for you to get stronger and wiser?
I take a more functional medicine approach to healing. Both as a practitioner and human. I now understand the vicious cycle of chronic stress, trauma, addiction, mental health struggles and gut health when it's left unattended.
It's so complex that in order to heal I believe we need to:
a) Find a practitioner who understands the delicate nature and uniqueness of this damaging cycle and has a plan to help you move through it.
b) Believe that we're on the right path and are covering all the bases. Then stick to it, no questions asked.
"All of the bases" looks like:
- Identify and clear infections in the body (yeast, parasites, bacterial, viral)
- Most often there are undiagnosed infections due to a chronically stressed body leaving itself vulnerable to infections
- Infections can and often do lend to limbic system impairment which presents with being in chronic sympathetic overdrive, or, fight or flight
- When in chronic sympathetic overdrive we stop digesting food, we stop detoxing and our bodies create a lot of inflammation
- Eat an anti-inflammatory diet (this is unique and can look different person to person)
- Eating a specific diet to aid in the recovery process isn't forever. Often it's only for the time needed to repair the body, then you can start to reintroduce foods with success.
- Use key nutraceuticals that will help to detox and repair the body
- This can look like antimicrobials, liver, nutritional, hormone and neurotransmitter support, amongst others.
- An effective strategy(ies) that aid in repatterining and repairing the nervous system. Something like DNRS
- I believe this to be a MASSIVE part of the healing equation that flies under the radar. But it won't for long. I believe a lot of practitioners will begin to incorporate this into their practise in the coming years.
I know this blog started out talking about how one can find the feeling of completing oneself and turned into a lecture about a functional approach to finding healing post-trauma and chronic stress.
Because I believe they are directly linked.
What makes us insecure and chronically looking for external things to create a feeling of safety within us and the downstream effect that chronic stress has on our bodies and psyche, I believe to be directly related.
I'm an experiential learner - very kinaesthetic. Once I actually experience the process I get it and can then grasp, write about and teach it.
I'm still "in" the learning. I'm getting it, the concepts and the path, and I will soon be putting together a comprehensive program to help others heal from their chronic anxiety, fear, gut, hormone and mental health struggles.
It's all related and I'm doing it. If I look back to just a few weeks ago I can see how much I'm improving and how well this functional and comprehensive approach works at stopping the madness, healing the body and mind and feeling complete with oneself.
We all want to be at peace, don't we? We all want self-acceptance and self-love. We want health, abundance and a life we don't regret at the end of the day.
How do we dial into all of that? I feel I've found a way and it is going to be my honour to help empower others to do the same, very, very soon.
You can complete you...and if you haven't already, know that with a fierce commitment to your growth, you WILL arrive.
Be well with hope,