Mercury is in retrograde as I write this blog and holy fuck ammi ever feeling it's wrath today...Even when Mercury isn't technically in retrograde, I always blame it.
If I've had tech malfunctions, lost or busted my phone, things go wrong all day (which doesn't usually happen to me) - whatever - I always say "Mercury must be in retrograde!"
And, today, it actually is!
I woke up and wanted to do some writing and my Mac wouldn't wake up. She dead. And panic struck.
Nowadays when I want to write, I want to write! I've been writing and speaking a lot lately about how tapping into my creativity has helped me heal so much. I resisted it for so many years because of the fear of judgement. No creativity escaped me for decades. None.
That's why I shifted even more into healing and empowerment when I realized that my 'task' of writing weekly blogs for my business was actually becoming something I was getting really looking forward to every week.
I found my art again.
Owning my art, my poetry, my thoughts and emotions and my writing is a sign that I am truly managing perfectionism well.
For me, perfectionism stems from a deep and often unconscious belief that I'm not good enough, so if I can only do EVERYTHING perfectly I'd be guaranteed love and acceptance.
Until recently, if I were to be brave enough to share a piece of writing or a firm opinion on something I would be terrified of criticism. That stems from when I was 13 and was rejected from art school.
I was devastated.
I never wanted to feel that pain again. I never put myself in a position to be critiqued again.
Until I did.
I've been writing from such a place of passion and excitement lately, bringing experiences, emotions, beliefs and love into my blog and the book I'm writing on my personal experiences with addiction.
I look for any time I have to be able to write. And as I release my heart, knowledge and creativity into the world I'm getting such incredible feedback from others who are sharing similar experiences and thank me for being so vulnerable and honest as it's helping them face their own shit, have tough conversations with Self and are beginning to heal.
I feel honoured and inspired to continue to write, share and build a community of people who are tired of dealing with self-limiting beliefs that keep them stuck. Addictions that keep them in pain and habits that ultimately leave them feeling disconnected from their true selves.
Although there's been great feedback and connection since I've begun writing more from a place of purpose and passion there's also been a bit of interaction from some people who just don't get what I'm doing here.
And that's ok!
It isn't my job to make others 'get' what I'm doing by writing about what I'm writing about and sharing the way I'm choosing to share.
We can't be everything to everyone. Though, when we're 100% ourselves and express from a place of authenticity we have a unique opportunity to hopefully help improve others' lives.
So, when I get a comment or email from someone who is not understanding of my writing I practise the mental processes I've learned along my healing journey that will aid in diffusing my perfection demanding inner critic, Sandy (have I mentioned she's a bitch?).
It takes a bit of insanity, a bit of wisdom, a lot of maturity (in my humble opinion) and a fierce commitment to honouring who you truly are to be able to break free from patterns of predictability, safeness and mediocrity.
It's ok to not fit in. It's even better when we don't! My most favourite people, artists and teachers are those who don't fit in a box. Who speak their minds, express their true opinions and don't ask for permission.
So, when Sandy whispers to me "They're all going to think you're insane, don't post that" - I hear Brené Brown's voice in my head, lovingly telling me that my vulnerability is my power and that if they aren't down there in the arena with me, being brave, then they don't have the right to throw stones.
How do I deal with those stones being launched my way?
I just move outta the way.
There's no need to throw one back. There's no need to try and talk about the stone throwing and try to change their mind about ever throwing stones again.
I would just be wasting my time. I pick my battles in life carefully. My energy is precious and I don't like wasting it on deaf ears.
So, I see this whole perfectionism, inner critic, addiction thing as one big fucking nauseating party boat that's carrying all my old trauma. Aaaallll my old beliefs that I chose to have after modelling very unhealthy people in my formative years.
My road to mental and emotional recovery from PTSD and abuse that led to addictions and mental illness is paved with different teachers teaching me the art of not giving a fuck. Teaching me that...
IT'S NOT YOUR JOB TO LIKE ME. IT'S MINE.
Over the close to 10 years that I've been a coach in the wellness industry, I've seen dozens of people begin a journey toward achieving their goals and then let them all slip through their fingers.
I've always been so bloody curious as to why this was happening. Also why it would happen in myself, too.
Why, if health and fitness were SUCH massive values of mine was I depressed, anxious, chronically sick and addicted to things that were hurting me?
The simple answer?
Because the beliefs I developed about myself as I grew up were unhealthy and led to negative thoughts and behaviours that kept me cycling through shitty patterns.
Patterns that kept me asleep for close to a decade.
Patterns that kept me numbing my pain with drugs, alcohol, unhealthy relationships, retail therapy and more.
Once I learned how to break free from those patterns by using mindfulness, choosing the more empowering and self-supportive thoughts and simply not giving a fuck what people have to say about how I choose to show up in my life, I've been free.
As always, my hopes in writing these personal stories is that others will hear themselves in the folds of it all and begin to make their way through the steps in front of them that lead to a life without relapse. A life without beating ourselves up everyday, staying small and not doing what it is we're meant to do here on Earth. To exist without unnecessary self-criticism that leads to depression, addiction and self-doubt.
What if we opened up, stood tall, put our baddest shield on everyday and walked through life with so much conviction that nothing trips up our stride?
What could happen then?
What goals would you achieve? Think health, relationships, creativity, personal fulfillment and enjoyment - THINK BIG!
How far can you go? Truly, think about it!
Some goals of mine that I'm beginning to hone in on a plan for are doing a TED talk, having a cooking show, publishing my tell-all book on addiction and scaling my business to help women and men all around the world to lead more fulfilling and healthy lives.
Now that feels good.
It feels way better than locking myself in a box that is packed solid with anxiety, doubt, and fear of everyone and everything.
Fuck that noise.
As I heal my brain, my body and my soul from generations of addiction and mental illness I remind myself that I AM THE STORM, and I've got this.
And you do, too <3.
Be well with Hope,
Cassandra Hope RHN + CPT
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