Last night I crawled into bed with my über eats from Impact Kitchen (I had the lean bowl) and sparkling water and put on "She's Gotta Have It" for the 2nd time (It's so good!! - Spike Lee joint!)
Nola, the main character, is a polyamorous, feminist and artist from Brooklyn, who owns her power and is on a self-love journey one can only hope to experience.
She's unapologetic of her art, femininity, human rights and sexuality and I'm basically in love with her lol (serious girl crush anyway).
She reminded me that the relationship with Self, is the moat decadent one available to us.
We can learn to love ourselves in such a deep way that it can create such gratitude for being alive - a fulfilment that no one else can provide us (Though, I don't have kids so I can't speak to that experience).
True self love. What does that look like?
Well, I've been peeling that onion and am getting really excited about what the core looks like...Here's how I've been channeling my inner Nola Darling, and rocking the fxck out of this summer 2018!
After a string of relationships not working out and a history of health issues popping up when under chronic stress (from being in the wrong relationships) I had to sit back and take a good, long, hard look at what my part was in all of the disappointment but also I got to take the time to really look at my life, and dream.
What do I want?
What I figured out was this:
I want to be alone. Really alone. I love my own company, I love my nature, my energy, how people gravitate toward me and how fun opportunities arise when I'm truly myself and open.
In the past, when in relationships that felt forced, events were sparse and when we did go out the energy was lack-lustered. They didn't like the crowd, the music, the food (ugh, whateverrrrr) - But I've noticed that when I'm alone I actually have the BEST TIME!!
Great conversations, dancing, vibes running high, making new and interesting friends, opportunities arise, friendships grow, my purpose and passions become more clear and there's a certain kind of peace and stability that came over me that only I have been able to provide for myself.
I've chosen guys in the past who don't like the things I like, so they complained at events, judged others (ew) and always wanted to leave,or dis the scene. Not fun!
I've always tried to morph or change my needs to make others more comfortable. No more making excuses, no more discounting my strong needs, no more people pleasing and compromise to the point that I dim my own light and experience.
If they don't match my vibe, they don't get to have me. Think about that for a second. How often have you compromised your needs, over and over, to appease or in hopes of it "making things work"?
Does it actually work? Are you actually happy after that compromise? If so, amazing! You're on the right track :) ... But if not, maybe something has to change?
At 36, I'm so relieved to feel the security of womanhood washing over me. The ability to truly trust myself and love myself has come by being truly alone and seeing that I'm not just good, I'm fantastic. I'm crushing life, goals, dreams, positivity, and it's not because someone else is providing that for me, it just 'is'.
I wish every woman felt secure, self-love, self-trust and could spend at least 1 year of their life really enjoying life alone and getting to a place of strength and creation from a deep place in their hearts and souls.
Now that I'm here I've realized that I don't want anyone to enter my energetic field on that level unless they're matching or raising my vibration (yes, we are ALL energetic beings that can be influenced by the energy of what we allow in our fields! Especially if we're making love to them!).
If you aren't positive, self-loving, supportive, open, communicative, grounded, good natured - basically if you don't seriously kick ass, I'm not down.
I hear of so many women who go on dates with people who don't treat them properly (my past-self included!). We make up excuses...Maybe they'll get better at communication, maybe they'll text or call more often, maybe they'll (fill in the blank).
One thing I've learned is we can't judge someone based on their potential. We have to look at how they're behaving and treating us right now.
Believe someone when they show you who they are 💛
If he (or she) isn't truly amazing, they aren't for me. And in the meantime, I'm aight ;)
I believe we need to get rid of the anxiousness around 'finding someone'. We need to get really comfortable (really comfortable) being alone.
I believe we need to learn to love ourselves so hard that we feel confident walking through this earth alone with a deep conviction that we can ride every wave, weather every storm, build everything we need and create the life we want then, and only then, invite someone to accentuate the greatness we're experiencing because we can fill each others' cups, not solely take, solely give or be in a co-dependant exchange for the fear of being alone.
We should never fear being alone. 'Alone' should feel like home - safe, trust-worthy and exciting. Like your best friend is inside you at all times!
Until then...boy, bye!
Alcohol is one of those funny things that seems to make life more fun and manageable. I've been a heavy drinker in the past (hello 10 year career as a nightclub bartender!) and those nights (and days!) I do not miss.
Inappropriate exchanges, late nights, beating up my body, the post-indulgeance hangover and regret - the list goes on and on and I miss none of it.
Part of being self-loving is protecting and nourishing my vessel. I eat clean, train often, practise mindfulness and protect my body as much as possible so I'm not interested in putting a substance in my body that causes so many negative health issues.
It lowers my vibration, makes me eat things I wouldn't normally eat, causes gut health issues, I hold water, get depressed and lethargic etc. - I just feel like drinking is dumb now lol ... It's not cute to be 36 and hungover, just sayin'.
I think that by being a conscious woman in 2018, that doesn't only mean being mindful and positive - it also means fiercely protecting our vessels from things that can lead us down undesirable paths.
By making conscious choices of what we will and won't allow in our bodies we take our power back. Our strides become longer and more powerful. We grow and can become the highest versions of ourselves.
Why are we afraid of letting go of crutches that ultimately hurt us?
Do we not want to experience our highest selves?
Are we afraid of what that might feel like once we have it? Maybe we're afraid of losing it once we taste it?
Afraid of judgement from others?
I've literally had people call me boring (in public, and in front of others) because I wasn't partaking in drugs and alcohol. Peer pressure much? I laughed, brushed it off, and never went back lol.
Fuck judgement. We have the right to move through life how we choose without judgement from others.
We have to become strong and find conviction in our decisions in order for it to work.
Don't worry about the judgement of others. In my eyes, judgement from others is a great social filter.
This is a topic that I could write about for hours. I believe many of us block out our awareness of bad vibes simply to survive a situation or social interaction.
Job tough everyday? Suppressing that so you don't have to make a tough change? I get it! Change is hard.
In a relationship with someone who's super negative? Suppressing it 'cause rent in Toronto is too outrageous to move? I get that, too! Change is hard!
I've learned to slow down and just watch...I watch others' faces and body language, the words they choose, how much eye contact they can make while speaking to me etc., - all of these things help to formulate an opinion on whether they're intentions are good, pure and positive or rooted in lust, control, insecurities etc.
I look for strong, confident, loving, open-minded, communicative, vulnerable people because to me, that's trustworthy and 'safe'.
To me, that's fertile soil to build a friendship, business relationship or romantic (one day) relationship with.
Bad vibes suck. Those who pass (and express) unfair judgement on others, speak negatively, don't have integrity, don't show up how I need them to - all of these things count as bad vibes to me and in the past when I ignored those red flags I've always been disappointed with the relationship no matter the type (personal or business).
At what point do we stop expecting others to protect us and just learn to protect ourselves, unapologetically?
I think we have to get good at getting quiet, calm and observant. It's ok to gather information to develop an opinion on whether we want to engage with a person or opportunity.
It's ok to then say "no" if it doesn't feel right.
I believe that by staying grounded in those times when we say no is where true freedom as a human being lies.
Say no to what doesn't serve you.
Say no to what drains your energy.
Say no to what takes and doesn't give back.
Say no to what doesn't feel right!
This summer I've learned so much about myself by removing these 3 "B's".
I've learned to reconnect with my creative and artistic energy. I'm going to learn how to DJ! Something I've always dreamed of as I'm obsessed with music but alway shelved that part of myself in fear of being judged or it not aligning with someone else's wants on how we spend time together.
Now, I'm strong in my decision that if you don't fit in my model of how I live my life, it won't work. Again, a great filter!
I've reconnected with my love of working out and eating super clean. A few things I've shelved in the past in fear of it not aligning with my ex's wants or needs. If you don't align with my daily schedule and habits, it wont work, so....a great filter indeed!
How many times have we dated someone, even though it doesn't fully feel right, simply to end the torture of the dating game or to try and force 'forever'?
It takes guts to say no over and over to what doesn't feel right because you know deep down inside if you hold out, the real one will show up.
I've gotten clear on what my true essence and energy is. I'm positive, open, loving, hard working, powerful, I have integrity and great communication skills - I show the fuck up in life!
No one is bringing me down, depressing me, hurting me, or taking advantage of me. I am strong, I will continue to protect this energy and only give when I feel the energy will be reciprocated.
I want every woman (and man) who's reading this, to know that they are capable of finding true self love if they haven't already.
It can be scary letting go of the things that we think keep us safe (boys and booze!) but when we do, even just for a short period of time, we can learn so much about ourselves and find enough peace to create a kick ass plan for what our next chapter will look like 💛
Love yourself so, so much and so hard, then, and only then, invite someone in who matches your vibration. That's where the real magic happens ✨
She's Gotta Have It - Spoiler Alert!
Nola finds out that her soul mate - her one true love, despite 3 eligible and beautiful men at her feet, was actually herself. She chooses herself as she found that unconditional source of love was always already right there inside herself.
Be well with hope,
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